Blogtastic

This is the blog to end all blogs. It will combine artistic expression of all sorts to provide a spectacular blog experience. The target audience is for 52-87 year old single females. If you are rich and looking for a young fly obese man my number is 212-278-5454

Name:

Yo, check it i'm Raffiki and i'm from Joneston, represent! I be a 8th year student trying to get my knowledge on. My life is messed up and i'm trying to provide you all with some entertainment. Enjoy my catastrophic attempt at life.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

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Monday, August 01, 2005

Life of a fat man

This is Raffiki again. I want to tell you all about the struggles I face as a man with an above average waste size. My grammar aint so good but I am slowly trying to improve it through using this here blog. Life can be tough when you are 375 pounds. I wake up in the morning and I ask myself. Is life worth living or should I blast myself. Ok, I took that line from my main man Tupac but you can understand my struggle. Although I may look like a freak of nature and I am out of breath when I walk up a flight of sairs, I am proud of my size. Ever since I was a child was I was given a gift from god. I have the ability to devour massive amounts of food and still have manage to have room for dessert. Growing up was rather difficult. I was called names like fat ass, and lard brains, and martha (I never quite understood that one) In grammar school kids wouldn't sit next to me in the cafeteria because they knew that I would eat their food if they didn't get too it fast enough. Its not my fault that I have the appetite of a small army. Throughout my fat existence I have been banned from a total of 10 all you can eat buffets. One manager once told me that his restuarant had to close for a day to make up for the lost profits I caused.Being a monstrosity of a person makes you appreciate the finer things in life. Even the most normal activity becomes a difficult process when you weigh three times the amount of the average man. Take waking up in the morning for example.After hitting the snooze on my alarm at least twice it is now time for me to begin my journey out of bed. It takes a lot of momentum to get me off the bed. I roll roughly three times and then on the fourth I am able to roll off the bed onto the floor.Getting dressed is pretty funny also. I have actually left my house wearing two different pairs of shoes on my feet because I cannot see them. Sex is completey out of the question when you are my size. Most women will not give a guy my size a chance so I am forced to pay for sex. I had a terrible experience one time with a lovely prostitute named Shally. She looked at me with such love and emotion(at a rate of 100 an hour she better be loving me) We started making love and I got rather excited. She was getting pretty kinky and started putting things in the rear entry. As she was getting closer to the anus I let a giant fart rip through my cheeks. The force of the gas knocked her out. I really regret the taco bell I ate earlier. She was out for about an hour. So I had to pay 200 for a lousy fart.

Jewrap

These are some rhymes from my talented co-executive Uncle B. The B stands for Bowdlaowndy, but that is another time and place. Sit back and relax, and enjoy the flow.
P.S. There are some references made to a gentleman named Adam. For your knowledge and better enjoyment of the poetry he is a flaming homosexual who has had over 50 male sexual partners in the past 3 years.

Lookin down
36,000 feet above the ground
I'm searchin for a sound
An escape
A quick way to enters heavens gate
Is today my expiration date?
Or will I live another day to add onto my f***ed up fate.

Thinkin how our generation teaches to hate over race
Or maybe I can just masturbate...
And forget about this racist state
I see no way to end the hate
Forever, people instigate
Crimes of love and passion of war
That leaves upon your skin a sore
But I don't choose to be allured
To violence, instead I hit the nodge

Until one day your sittin in your suburban garage
And some negro puts his g*n up and tells u to pass them keys to your Dodge
The cycle continutes; hate over race becomes a fate
We all try to run away and escape,
but like the slaves our masters will always put us back into place

We hate ourselves and ruin our names
By playing hateful racial games
In essence, we are one the same
To hate another is just a shame
America is not to blame
Cause you urself control ur brain
So when you see an hateful act
Like Sean Paul just make it clap


And what about the fact that the leading cause of death today is heart attacks.
Its hard to fight back against the system
Even tougher to create change
Cause in the eyes of the government were all just puppets living in their cage.
Revolutionary tactics are becoming necessary to get through this cloudy haze.
Im not sayin to go prophesize like a sage
Or to mu*der your congressman like Fredrick Douglass the slave
But honestly honesty is the only way to prevent drowning from this oncoming wave.


So grab ur surf board and ride it out
For life today without a doubt
Is full of pain and eyes run drought
From loved ones slain in gun fire bouts
But don't be ashamed to let it out
A cry for freedom, or simply doubt
That this land we talk about
Will flow with peace like a nice cream stout.......MMMMMM!!!!!

MM.. I love them cream stouts
How about u skip that meeting 2morrow
Come to my crib and ill be sure to follow
Perform high maneuver stunts
While we smoke down blunt after blunt
Don't sit at ur fancy desk and grunt
U got me in the mood to skip the day,
So come thru and we'll catch more rays than Marvin Gay!

Oh, how lovely it sounds to lay down and get brown
Smoke blunt after blunt till my brain turns to a pound
We'll see how I feel at the end of the day...
But lets not forget that Adam is gay
Ofcourse I am joking, but it is a fact
He wants to put his thick meat right between ur crack
But don't u worry, young scribe, its okay
U just need to say, I don't sway that way. (maybe he'll settle for a BJ)












Sunday, July 31, 2005


This is me and my computer. When I am lonely I like to sit naked.  Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Summer Daze

You are sitting at home watching TV and all of a sudden the screen turns blank and then returns back on. Everything is normal except instead of your regular scheduled program a man dressed in black wearing a white hat appears on the screen. You are slightly confused but interested so you listen to what the man has to say. ...

Shouts

Shouts to all my people, lil money, tigR, p-sauce,j,la,Guntz, cut$, jz, lilflip,flapjack,crakabarrel,creechsauce,CuTcO,cream-O-Weate, and hoodlum.

What's happenin out there you bloggers? Be prepared for a blogtastic journey into the underworld of my brain where some Crazy shit be happenin. This is an experience that will truly be remembered by mankind. Check It out! I was told to create journal from my parole office and I heard about these blogs so I thought i'd give it a shot, maybe someone out there wants to hear my struggle. I grew up a rich white kid in Connecticut. It was terrible, I hated all the nice cars and golf courses and big houses. One day I came home from school and no one was in the house except for Shawna who was cleaning my room. I opened the door and caught a glimpse of her in action. She was wearing tight jeans with a big butt hanging out. She was vacumming and dancing to Grand Master Flash on my new boom box and i thought it was the greatest music I have ever heard. The music moved me and I knew I needed to experience the black vibe. I drove my BMW to the music store and bought 20 "hip hop" tapes, a genre I was not familiar with before. I hoped back in the car and headed over the GWB for Harlem. At this time I was only 20 years old and my name was Rafi Schwartz, not very flashly. A fat white Jewish kid driving into the 'hood was definately a site for sore eyes. This was only intended to be an eduactional vist, but what I saw that day changed my life. I can't go into too much detail about that day but I ended up meeting lilmoney and he showed me the wonders of Mary Jane. I was hooked, ended up in a crackhouse, robbed a liquor store and didn't speak to my parents for years. They hired a private investigator and found be curled up outside a VA Hospital. My life was down the gutter and my parents decided to give me another shot and enroll me in college. I went to Syracuse for 3 years but failed out and then my parents decided to enroll me at Joneston, which is where I met my black beauty Leena. Before her I was forced to have sexual relations with paid escorts, but she was able to see through the debth of me to my very large soul. We have tw0 beautiful and extremely large daughters who are currently living with my parents, damn were they proud. I thought my mom was going to kill herself when she saw 2 little half black kids on her doorstep, she wanted me to marry a nice jewish girl. I changed my name to Raffiki and took the last name Jones after my favorite school. That is my story.

One Love

Mary Jane

I would like to dedicate this first post to the love of my life, Mary Jane.


mary jane




Dear Mary,




You are one of the greatest things to come into my life. Before we met I had heard great stories about you from many of my friends who had tried you before. I knew you had been around, and I couldn't keep you all to myself but I just wanted a piece of the action. After our first encounter my life changed dramatically a word once filled with gray is now filled with green. You light up any night and can make me laugh for hours. My friends love you too, but sometimes I just like to be alone with you. Your skunk like perfume can stink up a room and everyone knows its not a party unless you are there. You have red and white hair and that is rare, you take away all my cares. You make any event more fun, and then wear me out and I fall asleep. Only in my dreams to think of you and blaze again.


by Raffiki


Thats a poem from the bottom of my heart, One Love